Thursday, August 14, 2014

Chapter Two: Why Do I Feel So Depressed?

Today is the second entry of this blog that I wrote about depression. Here is the story below:

My story is so SAD. I experience the depression for long time since I was about preteen. Why is that situation always happen? First of all, I was half third generation. My grandmother had severe depression. She was suffered until she did apart in 2002. The same as I still battle against depression and attend to see my behavioral therapist. I'm learning how to handle the ups and downs, and trying to get people care. It is not really easy, and I end up in the suicidal thought. No, I want living because life is precious. I should thanks to God for Life. Life is beautiful and life is too short if I intend to kill myself. The truth is, suicide is not the answer. But the famous beloved comedian, Robin Williams was different. He was trying to win his battle against depression, but thing did not work out and that causes him to end of his life by himself on August 11, 2014. It's so SAD to see how Robin had to take his life. Although I'm not necessary to think about suicide and plan to end my life. I don't do drugs. I don't drink and I don't smoke. I'm still fighting against depression.

Have you notice why do I feel so depressed? Three reasons I expresses to you about my depression experience:

1. I feel worthless when I don't make more friends. How come I don't have many friends? The friends and I are different. Their actions and my action are not the same. Their stories and my story are not the same. That is the big main problem in my life. I should have fitting their actions and stories, not my action and story. I'm getting to do what friends are, not what me is. Being me as focus on myself is selfish by not paying attention and not talking to the friends. This is what I'm called myself  "An Unfriended Loiriam". Do you know what that means? It means that I don't friend with anyone. This is not healthy relationship with between me and the friends.

2. I feel anxiety when I don't stop worrying about anything. What do I worry about? I worry about not having enough money to pay the bills, I worry about not finishing my own projects, I worry about more and more. It is like no life. Life is not worrying. Life is in people who have God with as not need to worry about anything. I was an Atheist when I was a little girl. I rebelled against my mother about forcing me to believe in God.  Until when I learn that Romans 1:20 explains about 'no excuse if you don't believe in God had made everything on earth.' I made mistake for not believing in God and I have asked Him to forgive me. He approved me and so on I do still believe in God. Also, another problem is I have panic attack. That is kind of disease I have worse than anxiety. It's no fun to have that! I still battle against panic attack. 

3. I feel angry at a person who insulted me. After she had insulted me, I began to feel angry and obsess about her. Manage my anger is really not easy.

In above of all those reasons, how can I reduce depression? It takes a long time to reduce depression because it's not going to heal quickly. However, there is a hope for me if I keep walking outside and observing the nature and if I use with the fact, not with my thought, then I will get help to feel better. And about the food that I eat, I eat healthy and drink a lot of water. Plus, exercise is the best tip for me to do like walking and observing the nature, the other side is to do jogging, jumping on the trampoline, aerobics, dancing, or practicing yoga will help me feel better and free of charges. These are free healthy way to do than going to see the doctor and psychiatrist. Also, if I has a good friend who she or he is interesting in my welfare, then I can express my feeling. She or he will help me feel well. 

The next chapter 'loneliness' I will post tomorrow. 

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